


Shark Attack

by scarletkestrel



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Angst, Cinnamon Roll Dirk Gently, Dirk Gently Needs a Hug, Fluff, Kitten-Shark is so cute, M/M, She inspired this whole thing, Todd Brotzman is Bad at Feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-16
Updated: 2019-02-16
Packaged: 2019-10-29 18:49:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17813495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scarletkestrel/pseuds/scarletkestrel
Summary: When the kitten-shark makes a mess of Dirk's apartment, he goes to the only person he can for help - Todd. Will living in close quarters bring the two of them even closer or will it split them up for good?





	Shark Attack

**Author's Note:**

  * For [bloodamber](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bloodamber/gifts).



> This was written for the Dirk Gently Valentine's Mini Bang 2019. It gave me lots of trouble, but I'm very pleased with how it turned out. 
> 
> This fic was written for bloodamber who made some adorable art to go along with it! (Which you can find [Here](https://bloodamber.tumblr.com/post/182853537255/my-second-piece-of-art-for-the-dghdabigbang)) Thank you so much for being my partner in this and making my first bang so much fun.

Dirk had only stepped out for a moment. He’d meant to be gone for longer, but after all the commotion out on the street, his errand just hadn’t seemed worthwhile anymore. He dragged himself back to his apartment, exhausted from a week that never seemed to end. Now that the case was solved, he just wanted to sleep. He fumbled with the lock, hands slow from the wet chill outside. Finally, the lock gave, and Dirk stumbled gratefully into his living room. 

It looked like it had been ransacked—it hadn’t been, Dirk’s place of residence always ended up looking like this sooner or later. After a youth spent in Blackwing without any possessions, it was luxury to have enough things to fill a home. It was probably a little unnecessary for those things to be spilling across the floor like water past a broken dam, but it was still better than a sterile, government-issued bunk.

Today, however, Dirk ended up really regretting not having picked up at least a little bit before going out. 

First, Dirk noticed that the kitten had gotten up on the counter where she was most certainly not allowed to be. 

He hadn’t meant to adopt the kitten on any kind of permanent basis. She still didn’t have a name other than “Kitten” (or “Shark Monster” when she’d shredded the curtains and Dirk was unhappy with her). He was going to give her back, but it quickly became apparent that there wasn’t anywhere to give her back to. She’d previously been living with the cult of the soul-switching-whatever, but they were dissolved now, and mostly dead. 

Not that he’d give her back anyway. They were a cult.

And they’d gotten her from a shelter, but she couldn’t go back there now. How on earth would he explain to those nice, normal people that this particular kitten had been weaponized to contain an electric shark soul? So here she stayed.

All of which led to her being able to snoop around on the counter where she knew she was not supposed to be.

“Kitten! Get down from there,” he scolded, trying to pick his way through the clutter to the kitchen. 

The kitten looked at him, just to let him know she’d heard, and then went right back to her investigation of the toaster.

“You little… Get down!”

Just as he reached the boundary of the kitchen, his foot caught on the corner of a box that had been left too far into the hallway. He started to fall, but he probably would have been able to catch himself. Except that his foot landed on a jacket which was crumpled on the floor, and instead of gaining purchase, the jacket slid on the floor and his whole leg was pulled out from under him. 

It sent Dirk flying forward into the kitchen.

He windmilled his arms, trying to catch himself before he was concussed on the granite countertop. He managed to slap a hand down on the solid surface before his face reached it. With the help of the new support, he twisted away from the sharp corners so that he was just toppling onto the floor. Painful, but less fatal. 

However, in his panicked flailing, as he fell, his hand caught on a thin, soft tail. The kitten screeched, extremely displeased to have her tail pulled, with no respect for the fact that it had been an accident. 

She whipped her tail away from his offending hand and bunched her back legs unhappily under her. 

Dirk realized what was happening a second before it did, but was powerless to stop it as he finished crashing to the floor. He watched in horror as the kitten leapt off the kitchen counter, towards the back of the couch in the living room. 

Sure enough, at the pinnacle of her jump, the kitten’s inner soul manifested and she was surrounded by the crackly energy of the hammerhead shark. The shark cleared the space over Dirk’s head easily, but to get to the couch, it had to pass next to the main support pillar for the room.

The shark opened its mouth and, in a single bite, had taken a huge chunk out of the side of the pillar. As it kept going into the living room, the kitten overshot the couch, instead taking off the top of it and leaving a gaping hole surrounded by smoking upholstery. As it landed, it dug a wide crater into the floor of Dirk’s apartment, exposing the beams and pipes that made up the subfloor. 

Dirk clawed his way up off the ground and surveyed the mess of his apartment. It was an upsetting parallel to the penthouse the kitten had destroyed before. The kitten was back to normal, stuck in the hole where the floor used to be. She meowed pitifully, and Dirk sighed heavily. He picked his way over to her, praying the rest of the floor would hold. 

He scooped her out of a mess of wires and pipes and tucked her under his arm. She looked at him sweetly and started to purr. Apparently, he was forgiven for pulling her tail. Excellent.

The couch was destroyed, the pillar had become a structural hazard, and half of his living room was a charred crater. Just then, the kitchen light gave out and crashed to the ground, shattering glass and sparks like a tiny explosion. 

It was completely unliveable. At least until he could get someone in here to fix it, and even then, he wasn’t sure how long it would take them. 

The kitten continued to purr, blissfully unaware.

There was only one place to go. Nuts. Todd was not going to be happy about this.

**************

Todd felt like he hadn’t had a day off in forever. The last case had been endless, and now that it was over, he really just wanted to spend the whole day zoning out in front of his crappy new TV. 

So when the knock came at the door, Todd groaned. No one should be at his door today. Dirk was running errands, Amanda and the Three were a state away, and Farah was taking a weekend away and was “not to be disturbed, on pain of bodily harm, do you hear me Dirk? That means you. I don’t care what the universe does while I’m gone”.

He hadn’t ordered pizza, it wasn’t girl scout cookie season, and he had no patience to ward off a door-to-door salesman. Maybe if he hunkered down on the couch and stayed quiet, they’d go away. 

They knocked again, louder. Persistent bastard.

“Todd, I know you’re in there! It’s me, Dirk! Dirk Gently!” As if Todd hadn’t recognized the voice immediately. “Open the door. Unless, of course, you’re not in there in which case this whole thing is a tremendous waste of time and probably makes me look quite foolish. At least, it would if there was anyone to see me looking foolish, which if you aren’t there, there isn’t.”

So not a door-to-door salesman, but it was a persistent bastard. Watching the peaceful day he’d been looking forward to shatter into bits of dust, he trudged to the door.

When he opened it, Dirk was beaming at him, dressed for the day in one of his many leather jackets, emerald green this time and spattered with rain from being outside. Todd hadn’t even known it was raining. He had a messenger bag that Todd had never seen before thrown over his shoulder.

“Todd!” Dirk greeted, always sounding pleasantly surprised to see him, like he hadn’t really expected the door to open, even though there was no real reason it wouldn’t have. Where else would Todd be on his first day off in forever? 

“Hi Dirk. What’s up?” Todd greeted, tired, but resigned. 

“Oh, you know. Just visiting a friend.”

“Didn’t you have errands to run today?”

“How do you know I didn’t already run all my errands?” Dirk asked cryptically.

“Because it’s noon?” Todd offered, “And I know you didn’t get up later than 10:30. Did you finish all your errands in under an hour?”

“Hmm,” Dirk nodded with respect. “Excellent deducing, Todd. I’m re-promoting you to ward.”

“I’d already been re-promoted.”

“Excellent point. I’ll tell Farah to give you a raise then.”

“Thanks. Is there a reason that you’re here?”

Dirk shifted slightly from foot to foot, looking guilty. Todd’s eyes narrowed. “Dirk. What’ve you done?”

“I haven’t done anything!” Dirk protested. But his eyes shifted and Todd was still suspicious.

“Fine then, what has the universe done that you just happened to have been unwittingly dragged into the center of?”

Dirk—well, it was probably supposed to be a scowl, but it was really a pout. Dirk pouted. Todd thought that was unfair of him. He’d thought that was a very accurate assessment of everything that happened to Dirk.

“Some of us cannot help our natural connectedness to the mysterious workings of the universe,” Dirk said loftily. 

Todd waited for him to expound on what had happened. He didn’t. They stared at each other in silence.

Eventually, Dirk looked away. “May I come in?” he asked quietly. 

“Dirk, what’s wrong?” Todd was starting to get nervous. “Is it Blackwing? Are they back? We’ll fight Dirk, we won’t let them take you.”

“Oh.” Dirk’s eyes had gone huge and startled. “It’s not Blackwing, but... Thank you Todd. The sentiment is very much appreciated.”

He paused. 

“It’s my apartment actually. It’s…” He glanced away, as if the ceiling had just become particularly interesting. “Well, it’s kind of been blown up.”

“Kind of?!” 

“Well, I guess not strictly speaking, but it is quite destroyed.”

“How did that happen? An old enemy?”

Meow.

There was a heavy pause.

“Dirk?” 

“Yes Todd?”

“What was that?”

“What was what?”

Meow.

“That. What was that?”

“Umm…”

“Dirk, how was your apartment destroyed?”

“Well…”

“Is the shark-kitten in your bag?” 

“She might be.”

“She?”

“Can I come in?”

Todd sighed. “You might as well.” He stepped out of the way and Dirk entered the apartment, looking sheepish, and then stood around awkwardly. 

This was ridiculous. Dirk had been in this apartment a hundred times and it hadn’t changed since he’d been there last. It had fully recovered from the Rowdy’s rampage, but it maintained its constant state of mild disarray. Todd gestured Dirk to his usual seat on the couch, annoyed that he was being forced into this formality, and then took his usual armchair.

“So,” Todd jumped in, “why do you still have the kitten? Weren’t you going to give it away?”

“First of all, Todd, ‘it’ is a ‘she’, thank you very much,” Dirk corrected superciliously. “Second, where would you recommend I take her? The local animal rescue? ‘Excuse me, sir, please take good care of this kitten. Oh, and just so you know, she has a shark in her.’ That will go over well.”

“Huh.” Todd thought it through for the first time and realized it was possible Dirk had a point. “Okay, so what happened?”

Dirk immediately launched into a very convoluted story about going out, coming back, the kitten being on the counter, and then the kitten no longer being on the counter and instead there being several craters in his apartment that had not been there before. 

“How is it getting fixed?” Todd asked, ignoring the confusing intricacies of the story. He was used to ignoring the weirdness and getting to the point where Dirk was concerned.

Dirk looked conflicted. “The universe has taken care of it,” he said cryptically. That made sense. Dirk and the universe had a complicated relationship. It took care of him, for the most part, but it also threw him headfirst into danger without any warning. So it depended on the day.

“What happened?” Todd asked jokingly, “You save a construction worker from the path of a speeding car and he told you to call if you ever needed a job done on the house?”

Dirk colored. “It was a contractor actually. And it wasn’t as dramatic as you’ve made it sound.”

Good lord, he’d been joking. Only Dirk.

“What are you doing in the meantime?” He asked. “Surely you can’t live there while they’re doing construction work.”

Dirk sat up a little straighter, “No, as a matter of fact, I can’t. That’s why I’m here actually. I was… well, I was wondering if we might stay for a few days. Just crash on the couch until my place is fixed up. You’re so much closer to the office than any of the hotels nearby.”

Todd had caught on to a particular word. “We?”

Dirk reached into his messenger bag and pulled out the black kitten. She was exactly how Todd remembered her, small with sparkling yellow eyes and soft, spiky fur. 

“C’mon Todd, she barely takes up any space. You won’t even know she’s here.”

“She’s got a shark in her! She ate your apartment!”

Dirk started to stroke her head, as if to tell her not to listen to Todd. “She didn’t mean to!” He protested, “She’s a good girl. Aren’t you?” He held her up to say it to her face and she meowed back at him.

“Just a couple days?” Todd asked tiredly, already feeling his resistance failing against Dirk’s sad eyes and the kitten’s pitiful meows. It was a dangerous combination.

Dirk perked up immediately and the kitten looked over at Todd for the first time. “Absolutely! Just a few days and then we’re out of your hair for good. Does that mean we can stay?”

“Yes, you can stay.” Todd smiled when Dirk whooped with enthusiasm. “But you had better not destroy my apartment. And she had better behave herself.”

Just on cue, the kitten wriggled free of Dirk’s hold and stepped gingerly from the couch to the armchair, where she promptly settled herself down into Todd’s lap. He stroked her back—it was hard to resist the kitten fluff—and she started to purr.

“She says ‘thank you’,” Dirk interpreted.

“How about she agrees not to eat my place and we’ll call it even?” Todd chastises, but he was smiling when he said it.

Todd hadn’t had roommates since college. But surely with Dirk and a kitten instead of a couple guys Todd sang with and vaguely disliked, it would be quite different. Well, he supposed he’d find out.

******************

When Todd woke up the next morning, groggy and still exhausted, he had completely forgotten about yesterday. At least, he forgot for about the first ten seconds of wakefulness, then a tiny, furry projectile launched itself at his chest. Instinctively, he braced to get bitten in half, but apparently the low jump onto his bed wasn’t enough to trigger the shark soul. Instead there was just the kitten, looking pleased with itself (“herself” he corrected mentally) and kneading her claws into his worn T-shirt. 

Ah, right. He lived with a kitten now. And Dirk. Temporarily, at least.

The kitten let out a plaintive mrrrp, begging for attention, and Todd started petting her absently. He tried to prop himself up on his elbows, but the kitten disagreed and sunk in her claws so he dropped back down. It was possible he was going to be stuck in this bed all day.

A loud crash from the kitchen shattered the quiet in the room. Todd sat straight upright and the kitten scrambled up his chest, apparently with the goal of leaping off his shoulder to safety. Todd caught her right before she leapt, which was lucky. They still didn’t know how big a jump had to be to trigger the shark. 

He nestled her into his arms and stood, wincing as it pulled at the scratches, now up and down his torso. Kitten in tow, he made his way to the kitchen. 

He found Dirk standing guiltily over a pile of fallen pots and pans. Even though he knew Dirk was here, it was still jarring to see Dirk standing in his kitchen wearing flannel pajama pants and a grey T-shirt.

Dirk stepped over the pots like Todd wouldn’t notice the mess if it was only peeking out from behind Dirk’s legs. “Good morning Todd! I was going to make eggs, but it appears there’s been a bit of a slip with the pans.”

Todd just nodded, still a little bit asleep. He didn’t feel like putting away pots and he didn’t feel like supervising Dirk’s attempts at breakfast so he didn’t burn the place down. 

“Good morning, Dirk,” he said, because there was something about Dirk that always made him smile at least a little, even when he was driving him mental. “Don’t worry about breakfast, just get dressed. We’ll go to that bakery you like.”

Dirk beamed at him, and it was like the sun was streaming in through an open window. Todd had to squint in the face of it. Dirk bustled over to his bag to change and Todd was left blinking away the spots in front of his eyes from looking directly at Dirk’s joy.

***************

Two hours found them back in the living room sinking into the joy of not having anything else to do for the day. The bakery had been warm and sweet and Dirk still had a little bit of powdered sugar on his mouth that Todd couldn’t bring himself to draw attention to.

In an unexpected move, as soon as they got back, Dirk had kicked off his shoes and hung his leather jacket neatly by the door. He’d pulled a beat up paperback from his duffel and curled up in the corner of the couch. Todd had headed into the kitchen, but had poked his head back out when Dirk had immediately faded to silence.

But instead of some terrifying toddler-with-a-crayon nightmare, Dirk was tucked into a ball, nose inches from his book. Todd smiled, he’d never been in a room with Dirk without a storm of activity. Even when he was “working” at their new agency, Dirk talked and hummed and fidgeted and was overall very much a presence. 

Todd took his laptop into the kitchen, not wanting to disturb Dirk’s peace. 

Uh oh. He had an unread email from Farah who was asking why there had been an explosion at Dirk’s apartment building and why she’d had to hear about it on the morning news. 

Todd winced. He’d rather imagined that in her free time Farah went off into the woods with nothing but a hatchet and her wits. Certainly at least somewhere without wifi. He emailed back explaining that the explosion was really small, not even a proper explosion so much as an overexcited accident, and that Dirk was fine and staying with him for a couple days. He didn’t mention the cat. Her blood pressure didn’t need that.

By the time he’d written a satisfactory reply (and then another one when she’d followed up with interrogation-style questions), cleaned up the kitchen, and gotten distracted by cat videos a few time, it had been a while and Dirk still hadn’t made a sound. Todd was a little nervous that he had died. 

Todd entered the living room cautiously. Dirk was asleep, slumped uncomfortably into the side of the couch. The kitten was on the back of the couch, curled up in a tight ball. Her flank rose and fell slowly and a single paw poked out to the point that it was almost in Dirk’s hair. 

Todd was honestly tempted to take a picture. Instead, he fetched an afghan from the linen closet and draped it over Dirk, taking the book out of his hand so it wouldn’t get crushed and putting it on the coffee table. 

He made sure the sound on the TV was all the way down before he turned it on and switched over to a video game. The light flickered over Dirk’s face, but it didn’t wake him up. 

So Todd settled carefully into the couch, making sure not to startle the time bomb cat. He must’ve made some noise though because before he could do more than pick up the controller, the kitten stretched, walked over Dirk, and fell back asleep on Todd’s lap. As he got stepped on, Dirk stirred a little, but he ended up just rolling over into a more comfortable position.

Todd looked down at the little stray in his lap and at the bigger stray who was taking up most of his couch, practically kicking him with his long legs. 

Well, apparently, he wasn’t going anywhere.

****

Dirk didn’t wake up until the sun was almost down. The kitten had long since abandoned Todd in favor of exploring the new space. Todd had switched from video games to TV and back to video games. 

Now he was tuning his guitar. Just quietly plucking out notes that wouldn’t bother Dirk. 

When Dirk finally blinked his way back to wakefulness, Todd quieted the strings. “Hey there. I’m sorry, did I wake you up?”

Dirk blinked at him, looking bleary-eyed and slow, hair sticking up like he’d stuck a fork in an outlet. “Wha’ happ’n?” 

“You were asleep,” Todd explained slowly, muffling a smile, “Did I wake you up?”

Dirk looked around and squinted suspiciously. “This isn’t my flat.” 

“No,” Todd agreed, “It’s mine. The kitten ate yours.”

Dirk looked startled for a moment, which Todd thought was unfair consider how many weird things happened to him on a daily basis. “That’s a strange thing for you to say,” he accused Todd, like it was some wild story he was spinning.

“What is wrong with you, Dirk? I’m saying it because the kitten literally ate your floor. Don’t you remember?”

“How would you expect me to remember anything asleep? I mean, my subconscious maybe, but that’s not really me.”

“Dirk, you’re not making any sense.”

“Dreams never make sense, Todd. Calm down. You aren’t even real.”

Was Dirk—? Did he think he was asleep? 

“Dirk, you’re awake right now. Why do you think you’re asleep?”

Dirk settled back into the couch, already closing his eyes. “I heard you playing the guitar. That’s how I know it’s one of the good dreams.”

Todd waited for him to say more, but he didn’t. Instead, he seemed to be falling asleep again.

“Are you going back to sleep?” Todd asked incredulously, “You’ve been asleep for hours.”

Dirk frowned, even though he was already half gone already. “Be nice Todd. Haven’t slept in three days. Too many bad dreams.”

Todd was pretty sure the cracking sound he heard was his heart shattering. Before he met Dirk, he would have sworn up, down, and sideways that he didn’t even have a heart and now here it was, showing up inconveniently to bring him pain.

Jeez. He hadn’t even known Dirk had nightmares. Who was he kidding, of course he got nightmares. Poor Dirk.

“Todd?”

“Yeah?”

“Please keep playing. I don’t want to wake up yet.”

Todd wished he could explain that Dirk wasn’t dreaming, that he really was safe on Todd’s couch and Todd really was here playing the guitar. But Dirk was too tired to hear it. So instead he strummed careful chords, stringing them together into something sweet and a little sad. 

It was nicer than playing just for himself.

************

It had been a week since Dirk had come to stay with him. They’d found a comfortable routine around each other. Sometimes they’d go to the bakery and sometimes Todd would make something simple like eggs or pancakes. Once, Dirk tried to make waffles, but it didn’t go well. 

The kitten had finished her thorough examination of the apartment and picked out her favorite spots. She was usually found either on the windowsill, watching cars go by and flicking her tail impatiently, or on the back of the sofa, having made a small nest in the afghan that they now just left there for her.

Todd had been worried that not having his own space would slowly drive him crazy after having lived alone for so many years. Instead, it was… kinda nice. 

Dirk was a warm, frenetic energy in his space, but he also read old paperbacks and did the crossword puzzle in the newspaper every morning. Todd would be playing video games or strumming softly on his guitar, Dirk would be humming over a challenging clue, tapping a pencil against his lips, and the kitten would be sprawled on the floor to catch the afternoon sun.

It always made Todd feel a little bit lighter. Like the sins of his past were a little bit farther away.

One week in, Todd got home and was immediately hit with the smell of burning and the sight of smoke leaking out of the kitchen. 

“Dirk!” He yelled into the kitchen, “What the hell happened?”

“Todd! You’re home!” Dirk called back from deep within the cloud of smoke, “Nothing to worry about. I have this completely under control.”

The smoke detector started to wail. “Damn!” Dirk cursed emphatically. “I’ve got it! I’ll fix it.”

On the plus side, Todd felt safer. He hadn’t even known that old thing had batteries in it. 

Taking pity on Dirk, Todd made his way into the kitchen. Dirk was trying to waft the smoke out of the way so he could find the detector that was the source of the noise. Todd went straight to it, pulling a chair underneath so he could climb up and turn it off. Then he threw open the window so that the smoke could actually start to drain.

“Thank you, Todd,” Dirk said, red-faced from the heat. “Excellent assisting.”

The oven was open, still belching a little bit of black smoke. Inside, a pan that must once have held food was filled with tar.

“So what's all this then?” Todd gestured to the black brick in the oven. 

“Dinner?” Dirk said, giving him a hopeful side squint. 

Todd laughed, “I’ll order a pizza, shall I?”

Dirk perked up, “Mushroom, please.”

“Half mushroom, half pepperoni” Todd compromised. 

Dirk shrugged and nodded.

The kitchen still smelled like burned food when the pizza arrived so they laid out a picnic blanket on the living room floor, between the furniture. They threw blankets over their shoulders to combat the slightly chilly air that had snuck in where the smoke was airing out and took turns keeping the kitten from stepping all over the pizza. They fed her tiny tears of pepperoni and screamed in unison when she almost leapt off the couch looking for more. 

Dirk told stories of past cases, gesturing expansively with his hands, and Todd couldn't tell whether they were made up or not, but laughed anyway. Todd pointed out that Dirk had grease on his face and Dirk retaliated by throwing pepperoni at him, making sure they both had grease on their faces and causing the kitten to lick him with her rough little tongue.

Eventually, Dirk coerced Todd into taking his guitar out and playing some of his old songs, even though Todd explained over and over that they didn’t sound as good without a real band. 

So Todd sang and played and Dirk hummed along to the ones that he recognized and it started to get late, but neither of them suggested cleaning up or walking away. 

Todd made some joke that he wouldn’t remember within a few minutes and Dirk laughed, loud and easy, and unbidden, Todd found himself thinking, I love that laugh. Which immediately spiralled into I want this kind of day every day forever and I think I’m in love with him.

Todd’s hands missed the chord entirely and the guitar squealed unhappily. Todd froze. He did not just think that. That was not true and he did not just think that. That would be insane.

“Todd?” Dirk was looking at him curiously, “Are you alright?”

Todd nodded, not quite trusting his voice to work. Dirk was still looking at him.

“I’m fine,” he managed to croak. “Goodness, is that the time? It sure is getting late, I must be far too tired. I should go to bed.”

It was all in a rush and probably incredibly suspicious, but Todd needed to get away as fast as he possibly could. Away from the domesticity, away from Dirk, and away from whatever confusing feeling he most certainly was not having. 

He chucked his guitar in its stand, left Dirk to clean up from dinner, and escaped into his bedroom.

He lay in his bed, staring up at the ceiling, trying to figure out how he could have possibly lost his mind and whether he could think of any good strategies to get it back.

There was no way he was in love with Dirk. He’d only just come to terms with having general platonic affection for anyone other than his own sister. His heart was rusty and crooked and certainly not capable of the kind of deep warmth Dirk inspired in it, let alone deserving of it.

He just needed sleep. He’d gone temporarily insane and he needed to sleep it off. Dirk would be gone soon and everything would go back to normal. Ridiculous, unnecessary feelings need not apply. He just needed to keep it together until Dirk left. That couldn’t be long now. It couldn’t be. 

********

The next day, Todd was grumpy and off-kilter. He’d slept terribly and he couldn’t get his head on straight. He stayed in bed late, tossing and turning even when he couldn’t get back to sleep. He left his room quickly to grab his guitar and computer and then he retreated back there again. 

He surfed the web aimlessly, but nothing held his attention. He strummed chords on his guitars, but they didn’t sound right and his hands wouldn’t play any of his old songs. 

Finally, at about 3:00, he was officially too bored (and hungry) to stay in his room anymore. He hoped Dirk was out, he didn’t really want to talk to him.

When he stepped out his room, the living room looked like a tornado had gone through. There was cardboard, wood, plastic, fabric, and other random objects. It looked like someone had dumped out a trash can and spread the content around the room. 

In the center of all the mess, like the eye of a storm, was Dirk. He was sitting calmly, unperturbed by the disaster around him, squinting at something on a piece of paper.

Todd shouldn’t have been surprised—he’d seen Dirk’s apartment and knew it looked something like this—but he was. Dirk had been a good roommate so far, had yet to make any sort of mess. Was this what happened when Todd turned his back for the space of a single morning? Calamity ensued? 

“What the hell is this?!” Todd demanded angrily. Dirk sat bolt upright, staring at Todd with the wide, guilty eyes of a child with their hand caught in the cookie jar. 

“It’s umm… Well, it’s not really anything,” Dirk argued unconvincingly.

“Not anything! It’s my living room! Or at least it used to be.”

“That’s rather unfair, isn’t it? It’s quite obviously still a living room.”

“Dirk! Why is your trash all over my living room?”

“That’s not a very good attitude, Todd. If you’re not careful, I’ll demote you again.”

He couldn't do this. Not today. Not when his nerves were already so frayed that he was jumping at every noise and lack of sleep and food was making spots spin in front of his eyes. 

“Just fix it, okay? I’m not getting into it. Just get it fucking fixed.” Todd stalked towards the door, no plan in his head other than that he needed to walk off whatever this horrible mood was and breathe some fresh air that Dirk wasn’t also breathing.

Dirk leapt out of his piles of rubbish and beat Todd to the door. He put a hand on Todd’s shoulder, ducking to find Todd’s eyes where they were lowered. 

“Todd, stop. Wait. What’s wrong?” Dirk asked, concerned. 

Todd tried to shrug him off, but Dirk was persistent and would not be dissuaded. 

“It’s just… too much! It’s too much. I need to get out of here.”

“What is too much? We’ll fix it, whatever it is. We’ll solve it.” And that was Dirk in a nutshell. Standing in front of him, still bright and eager, even after already having been yelled at, and looking at him hurt like being stabbed. It hurt enough that Todd almost doubled over from the pain of it. That sweet, hopeful smile felt like a cruel, ironic twist of the universe’s knife. 

Todd exploded, finally throwing off Dirk’s arm with a hand slung out to the side. “You, Dirk! You’re too much! All the time. I’m going insane!” 

Dirk snatched his arm back like it had been burned. 

“Todd, I-”

“You’re always just there, talking and humming, and the kitten’s always in my spot and on my goddamn furniture, and now the living room is a mess, and I couldn’t sleep last night and I just—! It’s too much!”

It made absolutely no sense, the complaints strung together without any sort of logic or reason. All Todd knew that having Dirk barely two feet away, being kind to him even when he was being a jerk was more than he could stand and he had to get away from it or he was going to die. 

Dirk paled, and drew back a little further into himself. “I’m sorry Todd, I didn’t know you felt like that. I know I can be… rather a lot sometimes.”

Todd knew he was being cruel. He could feel it, but it was like watching someone being cruel on TV when you were only half paying attention to what was playing. He couldn’t seem to stop.

“I can’t do this anymore Dirk. I can’t do it.”

They stared at each other, Todd breathing like he’d run a marathon, Dirk barely breathing at all.

“I’ll go back to my apartment,” Dirk whispered. “I got a call this morning. They’re not totally done, but it’s liveable.”

“I think maybe that would be best.”

Dirk’s lower lip wobbled and he caught it with his teeth. Todd couldn’t be in this room another minute. He practically ran out the door, shoulder-checking Dirk on the way simply because he didn’t know how to go around him anymore.

He felt blind, feeling his way down the hallway by touch, and the only thing he could hear was the roaring in his ears. The walls were rough and chalky under his hands and sweat dried cold on the back of his neck.

He came back to himself standing outside of the Ridgely, watching cars whip past on the busy street in front of him. He had no idea where he wanted to go now. He felt like he’d left himself back in his apartment and now his body was wandering around hollowly on his own.

In the end, he only made it across the street and onto the bench there, where he called Amanda. She wouldn’t want to hear this, but she needed to. He needed her advice.

She answered on the second ring.

“Yo, yo, big bro. What’s up?”

“Hey sis. Do you have a minute? I need some advice.”

“Yeah, I’ve got time. What’s up?”

“I’ve been kind of a jerk. Not even kind of. I’ve been a huge jerk. Oh god.” It was finally starting to hit him. “Oh god, what’ve I done?”

Amanda sobered up a little bit on the other end of the phone.

“Todd, tell me what happened.”

So he did. The whole thing. Dirk’s apartment. The week they’d had. His moment last night. The panic of this morning. The mess in the living room. The fight. And now, the aftermath.

By the time he was done, he was on the verge of a panic attack, realizing what exactly he’d done.

Amanda was silent for a moment.

“So, yeah. That’s everything,” Todd finished inelegantly.

Another pause, and then he was yanking the phone away from his ear as she hollered loud enough to be heard by passerby’s.

“Todd Brotzman! You did not! You did not just fucking realize you were in love with your best friend, who is fucking sunshine incarnate, and instead of handling it like a goddamn adult, you yelled at him for messing up your living room! You DID NOT!”

“When you say it like that—”

“Oh, I was not finished! You shut the fuck up. I was not done. You did not just tell Dirk, Dirk Gently, who grew up in the meanest government facility in the world and never even had a friend before you, that you were sick of him.”

Todd felt sick. He curled himself around his stomach, trying not to throw up on a public sidewalk. Oh, god. He was scum. Amanda was still going.

“You did not just misrepresent the fact that you are in LOVE with him by saying that he was too much. Too much? Dirk is perfect and you goddamn know it. You just aren’t enough for him. You never have been.”

Todd couldn’t breathe. There wasn’t any air left in Seattle. His lungs wouldn’t work. 

“You know, Vogel, normally when you ask that, I say no, but right now, if you want to drive to Seattle and eat Todd, that’s just fine with me,” Amanda said as an aside on the phone, clearly to Vogel.

The phone fell silent and Todd wondered if she’d hung up. He wouldn’t blame her. They’d fallen out before because he’d been a selfish asshole and here he was, doing it again.

“So,” she asked, apparently still on the line, “what are you going to do?”

“What?” he asked stupidly, sounding strangled. Finally, he remembered to breathe and he sucked air painfully into his chest. 

“You are an asshole, Todd. A huge asshole. You needed to be told that, especially because I know Dirk never will. And that’s the thing, isn’t it? Dirk never will because he thinks you hung the moon, even when you’re a jerk. So what are you going to do to fix this? How are you going to make things up to him?”

“Leave?” Todd hazarded. “I mean, you said it yourself. Dirk’s already put up with so much from me. Surely I should just leave him alone? Quit the agency? Maybe move?”

Amanda sighed, “Will you get your head out of your ass? What the fuck is this pity party? I don’t want to deal with this. Stop being selfish, think of Dirk. You’re his best friend.”

“I am thinking of him! He deserves better!”

“Yes, he does, but that’s not how it works. We don’t get to decide what other people want or deserve. He wants you! So step the fuck up!”

Todd felt like he’d been slapped. How did she do that through the phone? Maybe it was a universe thing. 

“I need to… apologize.” He managed to put together. 

“Yeah, dipshit, that’s a good start. What else?”

“Grovel?”

“No! Tell him…”

“That I’m sorry?”

“How you feel! Tell him how you feel.”

He recoiled from the phone. “No! No no no no. That’s a terrible idea. Shouldn’t do that.”

“Shouldn’t? Or are too scared to?”

Touché. 

“Todd. You love him. I know you. You wouldn’t say that unless you meant it. You’re not crazy, it’s the most sane thing I’ve ever heard from you.”

Todd nodded. There was no use running from it anymore.

“And you know him. Is there anyone else like him in the world? If you let him leave, if you let him walk out of that apartment and out of your life, do you really think you’re ever going to find anyone like him ever again?”

No, no of course he wouldn’t. No one was like Dirk. Dirk was perfect.

“If you let him leave, if you don’t tell him, will you ever be able to forgive yourself?”

Todd sat up, he knew what he had to do.

“Thanks Amanda! You’re the best, coolest sister ever.”

“And you’re a raging asshole of a brother.”

“I have to go.”

“Damn right you do.”

“I love you, sis.”

She sighed, world weary. “I love you too bro. Now get off this phone. Go get your man. And fix your fucking mess.”

***********

Todd entered his apartment with his tail between his legs. He’d been such an asshole. He really just wanted the floor to swallow him up. But Amanda was right. If he let Dirk leave, he would regret it forever. 

It was so quiet. The warmth of the room had sunk out past the molding around the windows.

Dirk must not have heard the door. He stepped out of the kitchen, duffel in one hand, kitten in the other. He froze when he saw Todd standing just inside the door. They stared at each other, ten feet between them feeling like a canyon.

“Dirk, I-”

“It’s fine Todd,” Dirk interrupted, not letting him get the words out, “I’m leaving now. I apologize it took me so long. I didn’t want to leave the mess.”

“No, Dirk, that’s not-”

“I’ll be out of your hair and you won’t have to put up with me anymore.”

Dirk put his head down and beelined for the door, clearly expecting Todd to move out of his way. Instead Todd threw out his arms and blocked the doorway with his body. Dirk almost walked into him in surprise.

“Todd, what are you doing? I am trying to leave. This is what you want!” Dirk sounded slightly hysterical.

“No, Dirk, be quiet. I’m trying to tell you something!”

“Believe me Todd, I get the message perfectly clear during our last conversation and I would rather not hear it again, if that’s alright with you.”

Todd grabbed Dirk’s shoulders, trying to force him to make eye contact so that Todd could get his message across. Please let him not have ruined this. He needed one more chance. He’d already gotten so many from Dirk, but he just needed one more, “Please, Dirk, I-”

Todd stopped. The mess in the living room had been completely cleaned up, but over Dirk’s shoulder he could see there was one thing that hadn’t been there before. It was some sort of little mini coffee table with an upholstered surface. It certainly wasn’t something Todd owned.

Dirk followed Todd’s gaze over his shoulder. When Todd looked back to him, he was blushing.

“What’s in the living room?” Todd asked simply, mission temporarily forgotten.

“It’s a footstool,” Dirk said quietly, “For when you’re in your armchair. You never know where to put your feet and you needed a footstool.”

Todd had lost all of his words. A footstool. It was true what Dirk said. Every time Todd sat in the armchair, he never quite knew where to put his feet. He always wanted them up higher than the floor, but tucking them up on the chair with him was too high. He’d never considered getting furniture to fix the problem. Suddenly he made the connection.

“Is this what you were doing earlier?” He asked urgently, “Is this what all that mess was?”

Dirk nodded morosely, “I’m sorry Todd, I didn’t mean for it to be such a huge mess. The Ikea instructions were in Swedish and very complicated, and there were all these little pieces that I kept losing, and the upholstery place said that it was very easy to convert a coffee table to a footstool, but it was much more complicated than that, and-”

“Dirk, did you make me a footstool?”

Dirk nodded.

Oh, Todd was the biggest asshole in the whole world. He was going to hell and he wasn’t even going to complain about it. He deserved it. Dirk had made him a footstool, by hand, because he noticed Todd wasn’t comfortable in his favorite chair and Todd had yelled at him for making a mess. He almost skipped the explanations and just threw himself out the window.

Dirk fidgeted and Todd realized he was still holding on to him. He tightened his grip to make sure Dirk didn’t get away. 

“I’m sorry I stayed too long and inconvenienced you, Todd. I’ll go now.” 

“No!” Todd almost screeched. “No, you can’t go anywhere!”

Dirk started to get annoyed, “Look Todd, I know you’re mad, but I am leaving! I have apologized for the mess, I have cleaned it up, I understand why you do not want me here, and I am trying to leave!” 

Dirk held up the kitten like a shield between himself and Todd. Todd couldn’t let him leave. Not like this. He did the first thing he thought of, he snatched the kitten out of Dirk’s hands.

“I have the kitten, you can’t leave,” he said, sounding childish.

Dirk grabbed for the kitten and Todd evaded. Dirk caught the edge of Todd’s coat and pulled, succeeding in twisting him around, but Todd held on to the cat. Dirk reached out and Todd batted his hands away while hugging the kitten to his chest. She meowed angrily at them, an unwilling participant in the argument. 

Finally, Dirk stepped back, looking thoroughly annoyed, “Todd, what the hell are you—”

“I’m in love with you!” 

He didn’t plan it. He didn’t think about it. It was too true not to be said out loud. It was like breathing. As soon as he said them, he felt calm. It was like oxygen had soaked back into the air. 

“I love you,” he repeated, quieter.

Dirk looked like he’d just been punched in the face. Todd stroked his fingers through the kitten’s silky fur, finding comfort in her warmth.

“You what?” Dirk asked, sounding slightly strangled.

“I love you.” Todd said it again. It was getting easier. It sounded strong this time. Dirk still looked uncertain.

“You told me to get out,” he said flatly.

“Yeah, I know I did. And I’m a huge asshole,” Todd agreed, “But it’s not what you think. It wasn’t because I hate you or think you’re a burden or anything else like that.”

“Then what is it?”

“Having you around hurt, Dirk! I’m so bad at emotions. Jesus, I’m so bad at them. Every time I saw, so close and still farther away than I could ever cross, it hurt. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what I wanted. I just knew that it hurt and I was confused and unhappy.”

“And now?” Dirk asked. He was starting to look a little less miserable.

“I just don’t want to lose you. I talked to Amanda and she kicked my ass into gear. Dirk, if you walk out that door and you walk out of my life, it will kill me. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me. I don’t need you to feel the same way, just—just don’t go. Not like this.” 

All the breath rushed out of him as he finished his speech. He didn’t know if it would be enough. He didn’t know if Dirk would forgive him when he didn’t deserve it. He didn’t know what he’d do if he didn’t.

Dirk took a step towards him, a proper smile slowly sliding onto his face.

“Todd, you are maybe not quite as smart as I thought you were, and you may need to be demoted again.” 

Todd was confused. 

“Not feel the same way?” Dirk practically laughed. “Todd, you saved my life. I was so alone before you. No one had ever wanted to be my friend. No one had ever stayed. If all you ever wanted to be was associates, you would still be the person I cared for more than any other. I’ve always loved being a detective, but before you, I don’t think I ever properly loved just being a person.”

Dirk had stepped all the way up so they were only a foot apart, kitten pressed between them so they could both feel her purr vibrating in their chests.

“Todd, you’re a fool. I’ve loved you since the moment I’ve met you. Since the first moment you said it was ‘our case’. Since the moment you came back for me at that hospital. It’s only ever been you.” 

Fuck. What was he supposed to say to that?

So he didn’t. Instead, he closed the space between them, making sure not to crush the kitten, and kissed him. 

Dirk’s mouth was warm and soft. He was frozen in surprise for a moment, before he started to move, clearly inexperienced, but gentle and insistent. 

It was light and sweet, and Todd wanted to wrap himself in this moment and never come out. It made his past seem easier to carry and his future look brighter than it had ever seemed. Dirk was right. Before him, he’d never really appreciated being a person. But this, this could easily teach him to.

They were interrupted by an indignant mrrrrp from Todd’s arms. They separated, both pink and breathing a little bit heavier. They looked down at the kitten, who was looking up at them, eyes slitted as if to say she did not appreciate being ignored. She pushed up, propping herself on Dirk’s chest to nuzzle against first his chin, then Todd’s.

“I think she approves,” Dirk translated.

“You know, she really needs a name,” Todd observed.

Dirk looked away, “Oh, um. Well, I’ve sort of taken to calling her Jaws.”

Todd laughed out loud, bright and sudden. “Jaws? Really?”

Dirk shrugged, looking embarrassed. “She’s got a shark in her!”

“You’re insane!”

“You love me anyway,” Dirk teased, but he looked a little uncertain. 

Todd kissed him again, quick and warm. “I do.”

He looked down at the fuzzy little monster that had brought them together. She was purring happily now that they were paying attention to her again.

“Jaws it is.”

“Todd?”

“Yeah Dirk?”

“Can we stay? I think Jaws really likes it here.”

“Well, if Jaws likes it, how can I say no?”

“Really?”

“Dirk Gently, I am never letting you walk away from me again. You just try and leave.”

“Todd?”

“Yeah?”

“I love you.”

“I love you, too.”


End file.
